I feel depression pulling at me from every angle. I’m tired and everything seems so dull and sad. I don’t want to do anything but wallow in self pity. I’m trying so hard to keep everything up. I know there are reasons to be happy and I know I have larger goals to accomplish and things to gain. Everything just seems so pointless. For the moment I’ve lost site of why I started this blog in the first place. I ordered little business cards to advertise my blog site and I’m working on putting together a support group for mental health and addiction. I was so excited and motivated. I had intense feelings about what I was hoping to accomplish and they’ve vanished into thin air. What was I thinking? What is my goal here? Why do I need to write? I was doing it for therapy but it seems to have lost it’s value.
For the first time in my life, I’m attempting to continue doing what I set out to do, even if I don’t remember why. I wrote in a previous blog about bipolar impulsivity trait and the inability to attain long term goals. I would like to overcome this trait but I’m finding it difficult to remember what exactly my goal is and why it’s important. Isn’t there something better and more important I can do? Something exciting and fun that will give me joy. Nothing gives me joy right now. I sway between indifference and sadness. I’ve had a few good moments of clarity today when I used mindful awareness techniques to distract myself from indifference. I tried to look at my surroundings as though
I had never seen them before.