I feel depression pulling at me from every angle. I’m tired and everything seems so dull and sad. I don’t want to do anything but wallow in self pity. I’m trying so hard to keep everything up. I know there are reasons to be happy and I know I have larger goals to accomplish and things to gain. Everything just seems so pointless. For the moment I’ve lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place. I ordered little business cards to advertise my blog site and I’m working on putting together a support group for mental health and addiction. I was so excited and motivated. I had intense feelings about what I was hoping to accomplish and they’ve vanished into thin air. What was I thinking? What is my goal here? Why do I need to write? I was doing it for therapy but it seems to have lost it’s value.
For the first time in my life, I’m attempting to continue doing what I set out to do, even if I don’t remember why. I wrote in a previous blog about bipolar impulsivity trait and the inability to attain long term goals. I would like to overcome this trait but I’m finding it difficult to remember what exactly my goal is and why it’s important. Isn’t there something better and more important I can do? Something exciting and fun that will give me joy. Nothing gives me joy right now. I sway between indifference and sadness. I’ve had a few good moments of clarity today when I used mindful awareness techniques to distract myself from indifference. I tried to look at my surroundings as though I had never seen them before. I am thankful that I’m continuing to succeed and think of the optimal long-term strategy when I feel like quitting. It is the first time I’ve been able to look ahead rather than living only in the moment. People often say that it’s best to live in the moment, and from a certain perspective that may be true; For someone who can’t envision the future and is only capable of living in the moment, it is important to have work toward the plan you’ve set forth and the long-term implications of one’s actions. This does not mean you must do something you dislike because it was your goal; it means think about the consequences of your actions and whether or not they contradict the future you see for yourself. Live in the moment but remember that you set goals for a reason and it may not feel like it, but pushing forward is the optimal strategy–impulsivity is often the enemy.