Kelci Jayde Gwatkin is more than just a beautiful woman, she is a woman who has endured trauma that most couldn’t imagine. She has shared her journey, after losing her baby boy shortly after he was born. Kelci’s story is hers to tell, and I hope to delve deeper into her past a future blog; she has taught me so much about the grieving process, by simply documenting her life. She continues to honor her son while moving forward at a pace she is comfortable with.
Kelci has been a friend since high-school and I follow her on Facebook. Today she posted something that really spoke to me so I asked her if she would mind sharing part of her story with my readers. So, here it is, a guest post from Kelci Jayde Gwatkin:
These are not just pink nails.
Those who have followed me since losing Atlas may remember a post I shared a couple weeks after he was born. It was a picture of my blue nail polish that was growing out and chipping.
I painted my nails blue a few weeks before Atlas’s arrival to be all “boy’ed out” for him. After he died, I had watched the nails slowly growing longer, getting duller, chipping away piece by piece, day by day. It was almost as if it was a visual representation of what was happening to my heart; pieces chipping, getting more broken and worn by the minute…
So I reached out for advice: Should I take off the paint like it was never there? Should I paint them a different color like that blue shade didn’t exist? Or should I paint them the same color and continue some sort of “sameness” my first born son experienced? I remember barely being able to write through the tears.
Someone suggested that I paint them blue, but a different shade to honor him. For some reason that felt like the right thing for me. I wasn’t acting like the paint was never there, or like the shade didn’t exist, or keeping it the same and reliving the worst day of my life.
I decided to keep doing shades of blue until Atlas’s first birthday, but his birthday came and went and I couldn’t quite let go of the blue.
I have had variations of blue (or bare) nails for nearly two years now. I struggle with new things (hair, nails) and with new events (new year, new age) since Atlas has been gone. It’s just a reminder that things are continuing on without him.
My dear friend Laura took me to get my nails done for my birthday coming up and I was tempted to continue with the blue. But with some things happening in our lives, I felt like it was time to move forward with this change. I could never and will never “move on”, but I must continue on…for Atlas and his little brother, Odin.